I think I have tossed my peaceful, loving and forgiving attitude out the window... I am in need of an attitude adjustment :) I hate feeling bitter and nasty inside. It's interesting to me how I can vacillate from one day to the next - hell from one hour to the next...
I am going to take a minute and reflect on some of the good things in my life - in no particular order:
amazing friends; a supportive, loving family; the cutest nieces and nephews ever; seeing my family next week!; I am healthy; a car that runs - and is paid for!; a place to live; a job - two jobs - that provide me with paychecks; Al-Anon; therapy; chickalobes, peartinis and beep-bops; my own checking accounts, credit cards and fun girly checks; an expansive wardrobe (although I always complain about nothing to wear); the 5 pounds I've lost; being asked to become an aerobics instructor at the gym; the gym!; my lobster flip flops; white pants for summer; homemade mac & cheese; coffee; setting boundaries for myself!; my desk calendar; my faux voodoo doll that may or may not have the name Steve stuck to it in a particular spot (note to self - get hair clippings for Jordana); my stamps and everything that goes with them; my pink razr cell phone; my pink ipod; pink Hyperion coffee mug; pink water bottle; the color pink in general; new lip gloss (pink); my blog; my thought coach; BNL and EBTG; Arrested Development and most importantly for the ability to have the perspective and insight to know that just because I don't feel fabulous right now - doesn't mean that I'm always going to feel that way and that I will feel better very soon...
whew - it worked! I am starting to feel better already :)
Friday, June 8, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Monday Ramblings
I can't believe it's already June... and I can't believe I haven't posted for over a week.
I don't know where to start... I think will begin with ramblings and see if perhaps I can piece things together into something a little more coherent later.
Work at The Osprey has been slow at best... but it's a little extra money to put gas in the car. Business will pick up just like it did last year, and frankly it's something to keep me busy at night. It's a good place to take my mind of things and think about something else.
Lately I have found myself saying the serenity prayer a lot - for those that have never read it or don't remember it: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" Last week in Al-Anon we talked about the wisdom to know the difference and I have decided for me the wisdom comes from my higher power... Clearly I am not good at making the wisest choices so by giving my higher power a chance to weigh in things are becoming more clear.
I was talking to my sponsor about some recent developments with Steve (I won't go into them here, they are his to tell) and she said to me: Did you ever think this is God giving you a wake-up call? He (he - for the purpose of discussion my higher power is referred to as he, but I subscribe more to the Erica version "God, Goddess and All that is Good) has been giving you signs for years but you chose to ignore them - here is a kick in the ass you need to make you realize this relationship is not in your best interest. And she is right. It seems like every day I am learning more about myself, what is and is not acceptable, what I need going forward and what I will and will not tolerate...
It sounds a bit trite and condescending, however I am praying for a peaceful and forgiving attitude towards Steve. I don't want to feel bitter and resentful towards him... it does me more harm than anything else. I don't need the ulcers and sleepless nights from the stress, and holding onto those resentments just creates more stress.
A work in progress :)
I don't know where to start... I think will begin with ramblings and see if perhaps I can piece things together into something a little more coherent later.
Work at The Osprey has been slow at best... but it's a little extra money to put gas in the car. Business will pick up just like it did last year, and frankly it's something to keep me busy at night. It's a good place to take my mind of things and think about something else.
Lately I have found myself saying the serenity prayer a lot - for those that have never read it or don't remember it: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" Last week in Al-Anon we talked about the wisdom to know the difference and I have decided for me the wisdom comes from my higher power... Clearly I am not good at making the wisest choices so by giving my higher power a chance to weigh in things are becoming more clear.
I was talking to my sponsor about some recent developments with Steve (I won't go into them here, they are his to tell) and she said to me: Did you ever think this is God giving you a wake-up call? He (he - for the purpose of discussion my higher power is referred to as he, but I subscribe more to the Erica version "God, Goddess and All that is Good) has been giving you signs for years but you chose to ignore them - here is a kick in the ass you need to make you realize this relationship is not in your best interest. And she is right. It seems like every day I am learning more about myself, what is and is not acceptable, what I need going forward and what I will and will not tolerate...
It sounds a bit trite and condescending, however I am praying for a peaceful and forgiving attitude towards Steve. I don't want to feel bitter and resentful towards him... it does me more harm than anything else. I don't need the ulcers and sleepless nights from the stress, and holding onto those resentments just creates more stress.
A work in progress :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Gratitude
Today at my Al-Anon meeting the topic was Gratitude. I was thinking to myself, lame. I come here for experience, strength and hope... how could this possibly help me? Clearly you can see the frame of mind I was in - and it was exactly what I needed to hear!
When I started going to Al-Anon one of the first topics was getting in touch with your higher power and I remember someone saying if you don't pray now - start. If you don't know how to start, start with listing the things you are thankful for, it can be anything - a job, a car that runs, a sunny day, etc. Now, being raised LDS I certainly knew how to pray, but it had been so long it was almost as if it was new again. Today's topic reminded me I haven't been praying - and I have been feeling especially crap-tastic lately... I'm obviously overdue for a heart to heart with my Higher Power.
I was able to share how grateful I am for Al-Anon and the things I have learned - namely Detachment and what a profound difference that has made in my life. I have had several people comment that they are impressed with how well I am handling the separation and I know it is because of the things I have learned in Al-Anon. I can see myself years ago sitting on the couch in the avenues with Amy (my then boyfriend's sister) and being borderline hysterical because I thought Matt was packing up to leave... And the situation with Ken wasn't better - in fact it was about 100 times worse ( a story for another post). And here I am, my longest relationship, my husband no less, the man I vowed to love for better or worse and I am holding it together and doing it pretty well if I do say so myself.
I am grateful for my program, the people I have met. My wonderful family and my dear sweet friends. I am grateful for the growth I have experienced and for the opportunity I was given to be able to grow.
I am getting to be pro at the acceptance speeches, huh? :)
When I started going to Al-Anon one of the first topics was getting in touch with your higher power and I remember someone saying if you don't pray now - start. If you don't know how to start, start with listing the things you are thankful for, it can be anything - a job, a car that runs, a sunny day, etc. Now, being raised LDS I certainly knew how to pray, but it had been so long it was almost as if it was new again. Today's topic reminded me I haven't been praying - and I have been feeling especially crap-tastic lately... I'm obviously overdue for a heart to heart with my Higher Power.
I was able to share how grateful I am for Al-Anon and the things I have learned - namely Detachment and what a profound difference that has made in my life. I have had several people comment that they are impressed with how well I am handling the separation and I know it is because of the things I have learned in Al-Anon. I can see myself years ago sitting on the couch in the avenues with Amy (my then boyfriend's sister) and being borderline hysterical because I thought Matt was packing up to leave... And the situation with Ken wasn't better - in fact it was about 100 times worse ( a story for another post). And here I am, my longest relationship, my husband no less, the man I vowed to love for better or worse and I am holding it together and doing it pretty well if I do say so myself.
I am grateful for my program, the people I have met. My wonderful family and my dear sweet friends. I am grateful for the growth I have experienced and for the opportunity I was given to be able to grow.
I am getting to be pro at the acceptance speeches, huh? :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Work in Progress
Some dear friends of mine made a mix cd for me and they called it "Work in Progress" - and I love it! Here's what's on it:
Should I Stay or Should I Go ~ The Clash
Love Rollercoaster ~ Ohio Players
Sail On ~ The Commodores
I Will Survive ~ Gloria Gaynor
Crucify ~ Tori Amos
Don't Come Around Here No More ~ Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Knowing Me Knowing You ~ ABBA
Time for Me to Fly ~ REO Speedwagon
I Gotta Get Drunk ~ The Little Willies
Leaving Trunk ~ Taj Mahal
Happy Loving Couples ~ Joe Jackson
It's Too Late ~ Carole King
It's Not You, It's Me ~ The Little Willies
Perfect soundtrack for my life right now...
Should I Stay or Should I Go ~ The Clash
Love Rollercoaster ~ Ohio Players
Sail On ~ The Commodores
I Will Survive ~ Gloria Gaynor
Crucify ~ Tori Amos
Don't Come Around Here No More ~ Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Knowing Me Knowing You ~ ABBA
Time for Me to Fly ~ REO Speedwagon
I Gotta Get Drunk ~ The Little Willies
Leaving Trunk ~ Taj Mahal
Happy Loving Couples ~ Joe Jackson
It's Too Late ~ Carole King
It's Not You, It's Me ~ The Little Willies
Perfect soundtrack for my life right now...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Moms
I recieved the heartbreaking news this morning that my friend Angi's mother passed away... I feel like we (my circle of friends) are too young for this to be happening. Please keep Angi in your prayers as she works through her grief and deals with the loss of someone so important to her.
As I talk to my other girlfriends and we make plans for what time we will all be at the house tonight, who is going to cook what and when, and so on. Naturally start talking about our moms. Every friend I have talked to has said "I don't know what I would do without my mom, she is my best friend." I don't even want to imagine my life without my mom, Sue or Donee - all mother figures to me. I hope that one day I have a daughter who can say that about me.
Last week on Mother's Day my girlfriend Erica and I were talking about "the mother line" the traits, etc. that are passed on from mother to daughter. She had been to a blessing way and the mother of the pregant woman was talking about their ancestors - the strong women who had gone before them and how they had all shared a love of travel and adventure, among other things. It was so intersting to think about... I wonder what did Angi's mother pass on to her? what has my mother passed on to me? What will I pass on to my daughter(s)? God willing I have one (some)...
I am so blessed to have a mother, grandmother and step-mom who love me and it brings tears to my eyes to think about my life without any of them. I might not talk to them daily or fill them in on every little detail of my life (trying to spare them) but I know when I do they are there for me and I am so grateful.
As I talk to my other girlfriends and we make plans for what time we will all be at the house tonight, who is going to cook what and when, and so on. Naturally start talking about our moms. Every friend I have talked to has said "I don't know what I would do without my mom, she is my best friend." I don't even want to imagine my life without my mom, Sue or Donee - all mother figures to me. I hope that one day I have a daughter who can say that about me.
Last week on Mother's Day my girlfriend Erica and I were talking about "the mother line" the traits, etc. that are passed on from mother to daughter. She had been to a blessing way and the mother of the pregant woman was talking about their ancestors - the strong women who had gone before them and how they had all shared a love of travel and adventure, among other things. It was so intersting to think about... I wonder what did Angi's mother pass on to her? what has my mother passed on to me? What will I pass on to my daughter(s)? God willing I have one (some)...
I am so blessed to have a mother, grandmother and step-mom who love me and it brings tears to my eyes to think about my life without any of them. I might not talk to them daily or fill them in on every little detail of my life (trying to spare them) but I know when I do they are there for me and I am so grateful.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Today my desk calendar says:
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or a wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
-Erma Bombeck
I love that! I don't know that it's true, but I think it has an element of truth to it. It also reminds me I need to buy a new swim suit, ugh.
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or a wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
-Erma Bombeck
I love that! I don't know that it's true, but I think it has an element of truth to it. It also reminds me I need to buy a new swim suit, ugh.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
HUGE THANKS
Last Thursday I moved into a room in my friends Sarah & Johnny's house in Arrowsic. It's been an adjustment of course... I am nowhere near finished growing and changing... I look forward to feeling more settled and comfortable.
I have been so fortunate to have the love and support of friends and family to help me through this transition time. I owe special thanks to Vivian and Erica for their hospitality and friendship during those first crucial days. They continue to be major supporters. Thank you to my sweet sister Meagan for listening to me anytime/all the time helping me "process the process" (hehe) and for the sweet notes on my blog and e-mail from my other family members respecting me and understanding how hard it is at times to rehash things over and over, but knowing they are there means the world to me... I look forward to seeing you all in June. Thank you to Nancy R. for being my hot date to the wedding, and for listening to me for months... To Bartlett for letting me be the Sad Sack for a change :) This is starting to sounds like an acceptance speech of some sort... I think maybe it is... an acceptance of myself and my choices.
Sunday night was a particularly rough night, lots of tears... and as I said my evening prayer I asked for strength and guidance from my higher power to make it through this challenge and come out stronger. No sooner had I finished my dad called. I would say we talked for a good 20 minutes, but a more accurate description would be that he listened to me cry for 20 minutes and said very little, but what he did say was exact right thing at the exact right time. I could not have asked for more.
I am so grateful for all the amazing people in my life. Thank you.
I have been so fortunate to have the love and support of friends and family to help me through this transition time. I owe special thanks to Vivian and Erica for their hospitality and friendship during those first crucial days. They continue to be major supporters. Thank you to my sweet sister Meagan for listening to me anytime/all the time helping me "process the process" (hehe) and for the sweet notes on my blog and e-mail from my other family members respecting me and understanding how hard it is at times to rehash things over and over, but knowing they are there means the world to me... I look forward to seeing you all in June. Thank you to Nancy R. for being my hot date to the wedding, and for listening to me for months... To Bartlett for letting me be the Sad Sack for a change :) This is starting to sounds like an acceptance speech of some sort... I think maybe it is... an acceptance of myself and my choices.
Sunday night was a particularly rough night, lots of tears... and as I said my evening prayer I asked for strength and guidance from my higher power to make it through this challenge and come out stronger. No sooner had I finished my dad called. I would say we talked for a good 20 minutes, but a more accurate description would be that he listened to me cry for 20 minutes and said very little, but what he did say was exact right thing at the exact right time. I could not have asked for more.
I am so grateful for all the amazing people in my life. Thank you.
Spring is in the air
In Maine we have a lot of "seasonal" spots... and when they start opening it's a sure sign that winter is FINALLY almost over and we can start looking forward to warmer weather. Dairy Queen and Fat Boy are those signs for me. While they both opened in March - it didn't begin to feel like spring until recently.
Fat Boy is an old fashion car hop style drive-in, the servers that come to your car don't wear roller skates... I wish they did, that would be very entertaining. But they take your order at the car and bring it to your car, and you put the tray on the window. There is something very satisfying about sitting in your car - and being waited on. I haven't been yet this season... but I am waiting for just the right time. A warm - but not hot summer day... I am going to have a Whoper (yes, it's only spelled with 1 "p") Burger basket and a chocolate frappe (yes, it's 2 "p"s). Now I need to call Vivian and make a date!
Yesterday I had DQ for the first time this season... A woman in my office picked it up on her way in... vanilla soft serve sundae with hot fudge (nowhere near as tasty as my step-mom Sue's) and peanuts... SO good! Totally hit the spot. There is a DQ on the way home, now I just need to make sure I don't make this little sundae treat a habit! :)
Fat Boy is an old fashion car hop style drive-in, the servers that come to your car don't wear roller skates... I wish they did, that would be very entertaining. But they take your order at the car and bring it to your car, and you put the tray on the window. There is something very satisfying about sitting in your car - and being waited on. I haven't been yet this season... but I am waiting for just the right time. A warm - but not hot summer day... I am going to have a Whoper (yes, it's only spelled with 1 "p") Burger basket and a chocolate frappe (yes, it's 2 "p"s). Now I need to call Vivian and make a date!
Yesterday I had DQ for the first time this season... A woman in my office picked it up on her way in... vanilla soft serve sundae with hot fudge (nowhere near as tasty as my step-mom Sue's) and peanuts... SO good! Totally hit the spot. There is a DQ on the way home, now I just need to make sure I don't make this little sundae treat a habit! :)
Monday, April 30, 2007
An Inner B Reminder:
Today my calendar says:
"An Inner Bitch Reminder: If no one knows what you want, they won't be able to deliver. It's up to you to let your wishes be known."
I love that! There is an Al-Anon saying, "Expectations are preconceived disappointments" basically saying the same thing as the calendar does. I can't hold someone responsible for information they aren't given. And it's okay to let someone know what I want - last night I was given an array of dinner options and I was able to tell Erica, I really want pizza, rather than saying, I don't care, whatever you want... granted that was a tiny little thing, but I did it (baby steps) and I think it's easier to do when it is someone I feel safe with, someone who I know loves me no matter what.
"An Inner Bitch Reminder: If no one knows what you want, they won't be able to deliver. It's up to you to let your wishes be known."
I love that! There is an Al-Anon saying, "Expectations are preconceived disappointments" basically saying the same thing as the calendar does. I can't hold someone responsible for information they aren't given. And it's okay to let someone know what I want - last night I was given an array of dinner options and I was able to tell Erica, I really want pizza, rather than saying, I don't care, whatever you want... granted that was a tiny little thing, but I did it (baby steps) and I think it's easier to do when it is someone I feel safe with, someone who I know loves me no matter what.
Monday Ramblings...
Not always my favorite day of the week... the work week looming ahead... the end of the weekend... ugh.
We have been "separated" for 3 nights and 2 days and I feel like it has been weeks... we have talked, we have seen each other and it has been good - a little awkward at times, but good. I have been doing my best to keep my head up and think positive... look forward, not back and try to take care of myself - something I am not good at, but I am slowly learning. Tomorrow I am getting my first facial ever! And a haircut... I have asked Vivian to keep reminding me that no, I really don't want to chop off all my hair right now :) although it kind of feels like I do want to.
I am still waiting to hear from my friend Sarah about renting a couple rooms in her house, which would be ideal... not living alone, but not having to share close quarters either... if that doesn't work out I will apt. hunting again... I haven't done that for so long. I am so fortunate to have such loving friends and family who care about me and want the best for me. I stayed at Pete & Viv's Friday and Saturday... got to spend some good time with Viv and Nadia on Saturday. Nadia cracks me up, she's a good distraction. Yesterday afternoon I went to Erica & Roy's in Portland where I will stay until I find a more permanent place to live. They are so sweet, offering for a day, a week, a month or longer... of course I have no intention of taking advantage of them, it was nice to have the offer.
I could keep babbling on, but I will save something for later.
We have been "separated" for 3 nights and 2 days and I feel like it has been weeks... we have talked, we have seen each other and it has been good - a little awkward at times, but good. I have been doing my best to keep my head up and think positive... look forward, not back and try to take care of myself - something I am not good at, but I am slowly learning. Tomorrow I am getting my first facial ever! And a haircut... I have asked Vivian to keep reminding me that no, I really don't want to chop off all my hair right now :) although it kind of feels like I do want to.
I am still waiting to hear from my friend Sarah about renting a couple rooms in her house, which would be ideal... not living alone, but not having to share close quarters either... if that doesn't work out I will apt. hunting again... I haven't done that for so long. I am so fortunate to have such loving friends and family who care about me and want the best for me. I stayed at Pete & Viv's Friday and Saturday... got to spend some good time with Viv and Nadia on Saturday. Nadia cracks me up, she's a good distraction. Yesterday afternoon I went to Erica & Roy's in Portland where I will stay until I find a more permanent place to live. They are so sweet, offering for a day, a week, a month or longer... of course I have no intention of taking advantage of them, it was nice to have the offer.
I could keep babbling on, but I will save something for later.
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