Gratitude

Today at my Al-Anon meeting the topic was Gratitude. I was thinking to myself, lame. I come here for experience, strength and hope... how could this possibly help me? Clearly you can see the frame of mind I was in - and it was exactly what I needed to hear!

When I started going to Al-Anon one of the first topics was getting in touch with your higher power and I remember someone saying if you don't pray now - start. If you don't know how to start, start with listing the things you are thankful for, it can be anything - a job, a car that runs, a sunny day, etc. Now, being raised LDS I certainly knew how to pray, but it had been so long it was almost as if it was new again. Today's topic reminded me I haven't been praying - and I have been feeling especially crap-tastic lately... I'm obviously overdue for a heart to heart with my Higher Power.

I was able to share how grateful I am for Al-Anon and the things I have learned - namely Detachment and what a profound difference that has made in my life. I have had several people comment that they are impressed with how well I am handling the separation and I know it is because of the things I have learned in Al-Anon. I can see myself years ago sitting on the couch in the avenues with Amy (my then boyfriend's sister) and being borderline hysterical because I thought Matt was packing up to leave... And the situation with Ken wasn't better - in fact it was about 100 times worse ( a story for another post). And here I am, my longest relationship, my husband no less, the man I vowed to love for better or worse and I am holding it together and doing it pretty well if I do say so myself.

I am grateful for my program, the people I have met. My wonderful family and my dear sweet friends. I am grateful for the growth I have experienced and for the opportunity I was given to be able to grow.

I am getting to be pro at the acceptance speeches, huh? :)

These Boots are Made for Walkin'

I think it's a bit ironic that my fabulous new boots arrive on the day Steve and I have decided to separate. This has been a decision a long time in the making... I have decided that I will find somewhere else to live while we try to sell the house. I will keep you updated here.

Right now I am not ready to talk... although I am not stuffing (my feelings or my face), I am grieving in my own way... I am sitting with my feelings and allowing myself to be as sad, hopeful, strong, tired, hurt and melancholy as I need to be - when I need to be and not trying to be anything for anyone else.

I am having a little flashback to my last break-up of a long-term relationship and cruising around in the car with my sisters Erin and Meagan belting out the disco classic by Gloria Gaynor - I will survive. And I will, I know I will. Now, if I could just get itunes to sell me the dang song, I could add to the soundtrack of my life.

Please keep us in your prayers...
AA Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. That's what we have been doing and what has helped with this decision. We still love each other and hope that this time apart will do what it needs to for our marriage.

Thank you for your love and support.

Al-Anon Forgiveness

As is the case with my other Al-Anon posts, this could be of no interest to anyone but me.

Today in my Al-Anon meeting the topic was forgiveness, how do you do it, what are the effects, etc.

Someone in the meeting said that to truly forgive you have to have no expectations for the person you are forgiving. Meaning, by accepting this apology I expect him stay and not leave me, I expect that he will still love me, etc. Perhaps to truly understand that reasoning you need to be a co-dependant person. How do you know if you are co dependant? When you die and someone else's life flashes before your eyes. hahaha, that "joke" always cracks me up.

In Al-Anon we are encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves and not on the alcoholic. It's only taken me 18 months, but I am finally starting to get it. I have been a "stuffer" my whole life, I stuff my feelings until they overflow... like a volcano. I have always stuffed my feelings and forgiven in order to keep the peace, keep others happy, keep a stupid boyfriend, etc. and now that I am starting to feel my feelings I am deciding there are things I am not ready to forgive. And for once - it's okay. I am learning to think for myself and do a little mental check in - by forgiving this person am I compromising myself? Am I doing this to make them feel better at my own expense?

This is a process for me that could take a while, but it needs to be done. Dynamics in my relationships are bound to change as I start stand on my own, and begin to work through my co dependency... just as they should

Al-Anon Insight

This post might be too much, too boring or too unrelated for most. I don't know why I don't typically write about this stuff (for the previously mentioned reasons perhaps?)... suddenly I felt like I needed to. More for my own reasons that for people to read. I need to be able to read it later.

I attend Al-Anon meetings. My favorite meeting is on Wednesday mornings at the Seventh Day Adventist Church. (Although Al-Anon is in no way religiously affiliated, it seems like most meetings are in churches.) It is a large group, around 30 people and it stays on track and focused which I really like. A lot of other meetings I have been to felt like a big bitch session about the "alcoholic" and this group doesn't. How is complaining helpful? What is it changing? I have said so many times, I really wish I would have found Al-Anon BEFORE Steve stopped drinking. I could have saved myself years of grief and resentment. I am learning ways to deal/cope with all situations in my life - not just those related to alcoholics.

Yesterday the topic was Detachment, and the concept of detaching with love... something I have yet to master... okay, honestly? really even use. Detaching is allowing a person to be responsible for their own actions - no matter how badly they are hurting themselves (which is the hardest time.) It is not trying to control any and every situation.

I am able to "detach" with manipulation, with nagging, crying and the most used - indifference. The indifference is what I was interpreting as detaching with love... because I wasn't nagging, manipulating or crying, I was just ignoring. But really... is ignoring loving? And I am not actually detaching if I am employing my former techniques, am I? (rhetorical question)

I am FINALLY learning I don't have to fix everything - I can't fix everything, no matter how hard I try. I think that is part of an oldest child thing... or maybe it's just my personality? a combo? I don't need to jump in every time someone makes a comment about something they need to do - I don't have to offer to help. I can wait to be asked! How is that for a concept... I don't have to give "advice" on everything. In our opening it says "In Al-Anon, we don't give advice, we share our experience, strength and hope." Hearing the "old timers" and how far they have grown in their relationships with themselves and others. Gives me hope. :) I have met amazing people in the program and am so grateful for Al-Anon.