An Inner B Reminder:

Today my calendar says:
"An Inner Bitch Reminder: If no one knows what you want, they won't be able to deliver. It's up to you to let your wishes be known."

I love that! There is an Al-Anon saying, "Expectations are preconceived disappointments" basically saying the same thing as the calendar does. I can't hold someone responsible for information they aren't given. And it's okay to let someone know what I want - last night I was given an array of dinner options and I was able to tell Erica, I really want pizza, rather than saying, I don't care, whatever you want... granted that was a tiny little thing, but I did it (baby steps) and I think it's easier to do when it is someone I feel safe with, someone who I know loves me no matter what.

Monday Ramblings...

Not always my favorite day of the week... the work week looming ahead... the end of the weekend... ugh.

We have been "separated" for 3 nights and 2 days and I feel like it has been weeks... we have talked, we have seen each other and it has been good - a little awkward at times, but good. I have been doing my best to keep my head up and think positive... look forward, not back and try to take care of myself - something I am not good at, but I am slowly learning. Tomorrow I am getting my first facial ever! And a haircut... I have asked Vivian to keep reminding me that no, I really don't want to chop off all my hair right now :) although it kind of feels like I do want to.

I am still waiting to hear from my friend Sarah about renting a couple rooms in her house, which would be ideal... not living alone, but not having to share close quarters either... if that doesn't work out I will apt. hunting again... I haven't done that for so long. I am so fortunate to have such loving friends and family who care about me and want the best for me. I stayed at Pete & Viv's Friday and Saturday... got to spend some good time with Viv and Nadia on Saturday. Nadia cracks me up, she's a good distraction. Yesterday afternoon I went to Erica & Roy's in Portland where I will stay until I find a more permanent place to live. They are so sweet, offering for a day, a week, a month or longer... of course I have no intention of taking advantage of them, it was nice to have the offer.

I could keep babbling on, but I will save something for later.

These Boots are Made for Walkin'

I think it's a bit ironic that my fabulous new boots arrive on the day Steve and I have decided to separate. This has been a decision a long time in the making... I have decided that I will find somewhere else to live while we try to sell the house. I will keep you updated here.

Right now I am not ready to talk... although I am not stuffing (my feelings or my face), I am grieving in my own way... I am sitting with my feelings and allowing myself to be as sad, hopeful, strong, tired, hurt and melancholy as I need to be - when I need to be and not trying to be anything for anyone else.

I am having a little flashback to my last break-up of a long-term relationship and cruising around in the car with my sisters Erin and Meagan belting out the disco classic by Gloria Gaynor - I will survive. And I will, I know I will. Now, if I could just get itunes to sell me the dang song, I could add to the soundtrack of my life.

Please keep us in your prayers...
AA Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. That's what we have been doing and what has helped with this decision. We still love each other and hope that this time apart will do what it needs to for our marriage.

Thank you for your love and support.

Toxic Niceness

My Getting In Touch with Your Inner Bitch desk calendar talks about "Toxic Niceness" I love that phrase - Toxic Niceness. I take this as being nice - too nice, just to be too nice... at the detriment of myself.

It suggests that instead of saying no (which is sometimes hard) try saying "I don't think so" Period. No further discussion is needed. I don't need to explain why I can't do something I really don't want to do. That's where the Toxic Niceness comes in - I would usually say yes - even if my gut was saying no :)

For 4/28 and 4/29 it says:
An Inner Bitch Rule of Engagement: State the facts that actually relate to a specific conflict. Your Inner Bitch knows that saving up resentments as ammo for an argument is a sign of Toxic Niceness, so keep the fact that you've done the laundry for the last month out of the discussion about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom.

I am guilty of that... I don't say anything for so long then I just erupt! Something else to work on... My work on myself is becoming a full time job! :)

Little Shopping Spree

I finally got a new cell phone! And it was FREE.99!! (I got that from Steve, he says that and it cracks me up) It is so snazzy and I can't wait to take pictures of people so when they call me their picture will show up as the caller ID! Too fun... it doesn't take much to impress me :)

And if that wasn't exciting enough, I bought the boots! I figured since I have been thinking about them for months and I start working at the Osprey in less than a month... and I just paid off my credit card... and they will last for years and years, and they will go with most of my wardrobe... yeah, as you can tell I am still trying to justify this purchase a bit. Evelyn at work told me I was "materialistic" and I think that is the first time I have ever been called that! Eh, there's a first time for everything :)

I need to pace myself! I think that's all the shopping/excitement I will be able to handle for a couple months...

Al-Anon Forgiveness

As is the case with my other Al-Anon posts, this could be of no interest to anyone but me.

Today in my Al-Anon meeting the topic was forgiveness, how do you do it, what are the effects, etc.

Someone in the meeting said that to truly forgive you have to have no expectations for the person you are forgiving. Meaning, by accepting this apology I expect him stay and not leave me, I expect that he will still love me, etc. Perhaps to truly understand that reasoning you need to be a co-dependant person. How do you know if you are co dependant? When you die and someone else's life flashes before your eyes. hahaha, that "joke" always cracks me up.

In Al-Anon we are encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves and not on the alcoholic. It's only taken me 18 months, but I am finally starting to get it. I have been a "stuffer" my whole life, I stuff my feelings until they overflow... like a volcano. I have always stuffed my feelings and forgiven in order to keep the peace, keep others happy, keep a stupid boyfriend, etc. and now that I am starting to feel my feelings I am deciding there are things I am not ready to forgive. And for once - it's okay. I am learning to think for myself and do a little mental check in - by forgiving this person am I compromising myself? Am I doing this to make them feel better at my own expense?

This is a process for me that could take a while, but it needs to be done. Dynamics in my relationships are bound to change as I start stand on my own, and begin to work through my co dependency... just as they should

Metaphors

On my google homepage I have it set up to give me a joke of the day from Comedy Central, and today the joke (if you can call it that?) was "What are Metaphors?" Here were the couple that cracked me up the most:

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart
reversing.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter."
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

They are pretty cheesy, but I think that's why I liked them :)

Self-Talk, my Inner Dialog

I am constantly bombarding myself with negative self-talk, talking down to myself and saying things to myself that I wouldn't say to anyone - ever - no matter how much I dislike that person, but here I am saying those things to myself... I haven't been able to stop it...


Then Meagan introduced me to the website My Thought Coach. I LOVE IT! It is all positive affirmations and meditations that you can download to your ipod - it was so easy even I could do it. I have created a morning meditation and an bedtime meditation, along with several others. It is so cheap $6.95 a month - unlimited use of the site and you get special downloads for being a "member".


Since I have started listening - every chance I get - I have started to notice a positive change in my self-talk... I am not giving myself glowing reviews - YET, but I have only been listening since Friday and I think it's just going to get better.


I know I sound like an Infomertial and I don't even care! I love it and I want other people to know about it too :)

End of the Season

Saturday was my last day skiing for the season. Sugarloaf will be open 1 more weekend, but I am over it! It was SO warm! There were people skiing in shorts and t-shirts... I wasn't one of them so I was roasting! So, I skied my 3 runs and called it a day :) Look how much snow there still is - and it was 70 degrees!

It was great to sit outside with our friends on "the beach" and enjoy the beautiful afternoon... This season was really good - not too much ice (people from Utah are saying what? ice?) and never so bitter cold you couldn't stand to be outside. But after 5 months and a couple weeks, I am ready for spring/summer.

Earth Day

"So that they will respect the land, tell your children that the earth is rich with the lives of our kin. Teach your children what we have taught our children, that the earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls the sons of the earth. If men spit upon the ground, they spit upon themselves." - Native American wisdom

I really liked this saying and wanted to pass it on. My mother gave me this desk calendar for Christmas called "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Bitch" All this time I thought my Inner Bitch and I were the best of friends! Apparently that isn't the case. The calendar is all about standing up for yourself, believing in yourself with some sassy quotes thrown in for good measure. Every now and again there will be some more deep and meaningful quotes/days.