Same Old...

Not too much to write about this week... this are pretty status quo - which is nice for a change :)

Friday night I worked and for the first time in a long time I didn't go out after! I was still feeling a bit run down from being sick and just wanted to go to bed.

Saturday I got up pretty early and headed to Portland for a birthday party for my girlfriend Erin and a girl's night with Karri, Erica and Leslie. The party was fun, a pool party at Stacey's parents house... we got a little rain so the festivities were moved inside. It was an new/odd feeling to be the only one there without a man/boyfriend/dating someone and without a kid. Not that all the guys were at the party - only a couple were, but all the women were attached in one way or another. I think the girls for girls night had much higher expectations for the night and me than I did. I was still in a I want to sleep in my own bed kind of mood... and after spending the afternoon with kids and pregnant ladies I was a little spent to be totally honest. And I knew I needed to work the next day at 11 and would need to do my chores before then. In the past we have had girls night, drank wine, sat in the hot tub and had a sleep over and I just wasn't feeling it. I felt bad... we had planned it for so long but I just wasn't in that space.

I worked a little extra this weekend, which was exhausting. I worked a double on Sunday which means I was there from 11:00am till about 10:30pm and we were SO busy!! And it was stifling in the restaurant... we have to be one of the few places that doesn't have a/c and at times it's unbearable. Thankfully I made good money so it was all worth it in the end.

Some friends (Jasper & Nicki) were in town from California this week and they finally made their way to the Osprey Sunday night. After I got out of work we went to Maxwell's and shut it down... on a Sunday night!? Who does that!? It was a good time and I was glad I got to see them for the short time they were here.

All in all, a good weekend :) It's only Tuesday and I am already looking forward to this weekend... not that I have anything planned - or even a day off... I just love the weekend.

What a weekend...

I feel like I went non-stop for so long, then finally crashed... hard. A couple noteworthy things form the weekend that I will share.

Early Saturday morning I headed to Bath to get stuff to make potato salad for the annual St.Jean summer party - which is usually held at camp but because of Jackie's (my mother-in-law) broken arm it was held at Lise's (my sister-in-law) house in Lewiston. While I was at the house - our house in Bath where Steve lives - making the potato salad I had a little accident... although some are wondering if it really was an accident, hahaha. While I was cutting the potatoes Steve said he was leaving, I went to hug him - both of our arms went up and I STABBED HIM IN THE ARM! It was SO gross!! I could see past the skin layer, the fatty layer (not that there was much of one) to the pink part! And it wasn't bleeding! I FREAKED out, crying, oh my gosh, you need stitches, we need to go the ER, on and on... he said, nope I gotta go, the boat's leaving at 9:30 and off he went...

Saturday I was invited to a "Ladies Luncheon" hosted by my girlfriend Suz. I had the best time. There were only 4 of us at her home in Newcastle, but we laughed for hours... told funny stories and had great food and drinks - pomegranate martinis! To quote Suz "shadoobee". We decided that we would make it a monthly event and take turns hosting and inviting other women to join us.

Saturday night I had dinner with my mother, her brother Brian and his wife Jennifer. Brian and Jennifer were visiting from California. We decided they should come to the Osprey rather than me going to Portland to do the touristy type thing. Our meal was lovely, view was excellent and the company fabulous.

Sunday was the St.Jean summer party and it was so nice to see everyone again, although it was really hard. Sometimes it just hits me that I am not going to be as close to these people as I have been... that I am not going to be included in the family activities, birthdays, holidays and what not... I think it's almost harder than splitting up with Steve. The family has never been anything but loving and supportive... I had been detaching from Steve for so long - but not the family until now and seeing them all was tough. Especially Alex... there is something about that little guy - well not so little anymore... I remember hearing him add Auntie A to his prayers when he was 7 and we were visiting from Utah... seeing Simon in the hospital when he was only hours old... Taking Graham to the movies. Having dinner at camp, Christmas at Lise's and Easter at Renee's... enough, it's making me cry to type about it and think of all the fun times we had together as a family. I will always love them.

hmm...

Mr. Clean already called... that didn't take long :)

SALSA!

Last night Erica and I met her friend Nakita for salsa dancing at 51 Wharf in the Old Port (Portland). First there was a lesson first for $5 where we were taught the very basics and I learned how to dance the guy's part - the women were outnumbered (big surprise?). I couldn't believe how many people were crammed into this tiny room! The instructor was a riot and made the process easy and entertaining... he and the DJ worked well together - you could tell they do this every week. It was an absolute blast and I am already looking forward to doing it again.


I made a new friend - we'll call him Mr. Clean because he looked a little like Mr. Clean, shaved head and a goatee (a slightly outdated look, but I was willing to move past it for entertainment purposes). After we attempted dancing - he missed the instructional and I only knew the guys part - we talked for the rest of the night. He lives in NY and was here for work... he'll be back in September... He bought me a huge sunflower from the woman who was selling them on the street and I gave him my number... we'll see if he calls. I seem to have a thing for unavailable guys, whether it's location, emotionally/mentally unavailable, or just plain bad news... whatever it is I am like a moth to a flame... or rather I was. Rick and I work on that in therapy I am getting better at recognizing these traits from the get go.


I had forgotten what it was like to not be attached and effort it requires to be noticed in a bigger city (if Portland can be called that). It made me appreciate Bath even more. In Bath I can go to Maxwell's the Shipbuilders Pub straight from the Osprey - maybe change clothes first - without a shower, redoing my hair or make-up, or too much concern about what I am wearing and comfortably fit right in... making too much of an effort to get prettied up would make me stand in a not so good, "trying too hard" kind of way. The downside to this comfort is the selection of available men, there isn't one. Portland is a totally different scene, lots of guys and of course younger,and prettier girls everywhere and it made me feel old at 33. At times it's a painful reminder that I am starting over again and that it will be at least a couple years before I am married again and (dear god, please) having children...

Everything happens for a reason... I have to keep telling myself that.

YIPPEE!!

I DID IT! I signed up for the Bodystep Training so I can be a certified instructor at the gym! I am in a bit of shock and only slightly stressed out about all of it, but very proud of myself for taking the first step. The training is 8/24 & 8/25 in New Hampshire. Typically the training is 3 days long (and I hear I am in for a butt kicking!) but this one is only 2 days - and $100 less! Heck of a deal. There is a chance I will be teaching the 5:30am class, and maybe some nights and weekends once I become certified... YEAH ME!

I will keep you posted :)

Again with the no title... I don't know what's up with Blogger. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the user, hahaha

I had been saving this Getting in Touch with Your Inner Bitch from June 27 and it is so perfect for today:

"Your Inner Bitch wonders how many women have ended up dating the wrong person just because they didn't want to offend someone who asked them out. Is taking care of someone else's fragile ego worth wasting our precious time? I don't think so."

LOVE IT! I went on my first date in almost 10 years last night... we'll call him Bee (names have been changed to protect the innocent). It was interesting to say the least... I'm so glad I have a prescription for ulcer medication. I was surprised at how nervous I was. I have been wanting to start "getting out there" so to say, but when the time actually came - it was a bit stressful. We had a fine time... nothing to really blow my socks off, so the quote above is perfect for today.

I need to learn how to say no - in so many areas of my life. I think it's the musical Oklahoma that has the song "I'm just a girl who can't say no" I am so concerned about hurting someone else's feelings that I often overlook my own. My Inner B suggests saying "I don't think so." If he asks me out again I will practice saying that... no time like the present.

For some reason I can't put a title in - I am calling this post long, disjointed ramblings

I can't believe a month has gone by... Viv said to me - and I think it was a couple weeks ago - that I needed to update my blog. So here I am. I feel like so much time has pasted and I have changed so much in just a month.



The Osprey is finally picking up and I have been making some decent money (whew)... life at Sweetser is still going well, nothing to really report on that front. Steve and I are getting along fine, I am just counting down the days until I/we file for divorce - the house has finally shown, twice!



I spent a week with my family at Camp Merryelande, and it was so fun. Here are links to their sites because I didn't take pictures and several of my sisters did: Meagan, Corinne, Erin and Sarah. Because the trip was a couple weeks ago you might need to scroll through their posts to find those with the pictures. I was so happy to spend time with my newest niece Alexandra. I am so in love with her and it was so hard to leave her. It's interesting how attached I am to a little person I don't get to see often enough, but it's not really surprising since I love Nadia Dora so much and she isn't technically my niece. The last several times I have seen Nadia she gets excited and says "AUNTIE!" it makes me SO happy! I am always surprised to see how my nieces and nephews have grown from visit to visit... they are such sweet kids and I have a great time with all of them - although I have to say don't have the patience my sisters have... sometimes I can't believe they can do it... Corinne with 3 kids, Erin with 2 and a husband in Iraq, it's unbelievable. I don't know how Sue (my step-mom) did it with 7 kids and a daycare in the house!



The 4th of July was fun... I went to a party that Steve and I have gone to for years - 9 years to be exact. We came to Maine for a visit before we moved here and we went to a lobster bake at Cory Theberge's parents house on Orr's Island. It's an annual event and we have been every year but once when they didn't have it. I was concerned about how it would be... I have seen a lot of the people since Steve and I split, but not together in this concentrated amount and in such a nostalgic setting. I have to be honest - I hate being asked, "So, how are you, really?" with the look of pity in the eyes... I am sure it is genuine concern, however it comes across like I am some super sad sack and people feel sorry for me, when in all reality I am better than I have been in a long time and if I wanted to talk about how I "really" was - I wouldn't talk about it in a setting with Steve sitting right next to me. That being said it was a good time. Excellent food as always and it was so nice to see everyone. This was by far the most mellow 4th... I think having to work the next day sent most people home early and there seem to be more and more kids every year... I didn't even stay for fireworks! After I left the party I met my girlfriend Jordana for a beer and some chat where I didn't have to be "on". I was exhausted from making sure I was fun/happy Adrienne in front of everyone - and not to say I wasn't having a good time, but it's different when Steve is around... I really don't know how to explain it. I have come to realize that I will always love him in one way or another, just not as my husband. There was some peace that came with that acceptance. I was so focused on not loving him anymore, that when I would have a momentary lapse of sadness I would be so hard on myself! Obviously not helpful in the whole process.



I have been spending lots of time with my friends, Sarah my roommate and I are doing more stuff together... I am starting to get "set up" which is interesting... my therapist and I have talked about it at length and I was concerned it was too soon - what would people think? I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does. I have decided (Rick - my therapist agrees) that if I am not dating one person and I am not allowing the relationships (for lack of a better word) to become physical there is no reason I shouldn't start meeting people... easier said than done. At times I get pissed that I am 33 years old and I am starting over again. I know tons of people have done it before me and all that stuff and that I couldn't see myself having a family with Steve so clearly it's for the best, but I am pissed I am in this situation at all. Next time around I am going to be much more selective... here is a list of criteria I sent a friend who wanted to set me up, in no particular order:


* Has a job
* Doesn't live with parents
* Isn't already in a committed relationship
* Isn't an alcoholic/addict, active or recovering
* Has own vehicle and a valid drivers license



As you can see it is the essentials... this is just a starting point. I am taking suggestions for list if you want to add to it.