As is the case with my other Al-Anon posts, this could be of no interest to anyone but me.
Today in my Al-Anon meeting the topic was forgiveness, how do you do it, what are the effects, etc.
Someone in the meeting said that to truly forgive you have to have no expectations for the person you are forgiving. Meaning, by accepting this apology I expect him stay and not leave me, I expect that he will still love me, etc. Perhaps to truly understand that reasoning you need to be a co-dependant person. How do you know if you are co dependant? When you die and someone else's life flashes before your eyes. hahaha, that "joke" always cracks me up.
In Al-Anon we are encouraged to keep the focus on ourselves and not on the alcoholic. It's only taken me 18 months, but I am finally starting to get it. I have been a "stuffer" my whole life, I stuff my feelings until they overflow... like a volcano. I have always stuffed my feelings and forgiven in order to keep the peace, keep others happy, keep a stupid boyfriend, etc. and now that I am starting to feel my feelings I am deciding there are things I am not ready to forgive. And for once - it's okay. I am learning to think for myself and do a little mental check in - by forgiving this person am I compromising myself? Am I doing this to make them feel better at my own expense?
This is a process for me that could take a while, but it needs to be done. Dynamics in my relationships are bound to change as I start stand on my own, and begin to work through my co dependency... just as they should
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6 comments:
Wow. Those were good things to read A. It seems like you are really working through things - thank you for sharing!!
I'm proud of you...that sounds hard.
Maybe I need a some lessons from A. This summer please?!?!
Lolo - anytime you want ;)
those are really interesting thoughts. especially the part about not being ready to forgive. i think sometimes i say or pretend like i've forgiven someone instead of just realizing that i have to work through it some more. obviously it's not good to hold a grudge or continue to be angry...but i think it is good to be honest with yourself and work through those things.
Adrienne,
These are profound ideas.
I add a small platitude from my experience working in the government. I have found that forgiveness is much more a blessing to the forgiver than to the forgiven.
I love you, A,
Dad
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